Part 1: The Lies I’ve Believed About Myself

I Should Have It All Together By Now

Anybody else ever feel like what they’ve added up in their life by now just doesn’t cut it? If not, please write the rest of this for me, but if so, stick around.

To understand where I’m coming from on this, you should probably know where I’m at, so if you’re unfamiliar with me, here’s a few tidbits:

I grew up on a working cattle ranch, always riding with a little bit of jackpot barrel racing, got into youth rodeo, and just never quit.

I homeschooled all through junior high and high school, making me a very available ranch hand, and making sports hard because of where we lived. Thus the horses because my focus any minute outside of school.

I graduated from Texas A&M (Whoop), my dream school that I loved, which gave me a big sense of accomplishment, my core group of friends, college rodeo memories, and that’s about it because I can’t say I’ve really used my degree much (but if I ever had to, I’d be ready).

That trickled into rodeoing my first year out of school to see how I’d do, planning to come home and get a job in the fall. Turns out, it’s been 8 crazy years of rodeoing and doing well enough to keep doing it. Who woulda thought? (not my father LOL)

The biggest part of that was and still is a little yellow mare named Sister. You’ll hear about her a lot. She has a heart of gold and some insane talent, and has carried me, quite literally, to a majority of my successes in the arena, and through some of my hardest times in life. Bless that girl.

I have successfully competed in barrel racing professionally, built a bit of a following, and kept raising and training horses, which is my passion. Things couldn’t be better on that front, really.

I also have totally failed at romantic relationships so far. Married young and divorced early, crushing my other dreams, and haven’t won in that arena since.

My family? Well, they’re great. We’re not perfect, but I’m sure thankful for them. The hard part as an adult is finding ways to see them. My brother and I have very different walks of life, and we have to work to make our paths cross (thankfully, he’s willing to do that). My parents and I live several hours apart, but they do a lot of driving to see me and help with horses, and I wish I could do more to help them.

I still have that amazing core group of friends, with a few added on from my work environment, who I love to death and have been rocks in my life for many years now. That said, my circle has been kept teeny-tiny, in an effort to stay above the negative and keep my name out of people’s mouths (that doesn’t always work, btw – folks still make things up about you, but at least I know it didn’t come from me).

If you’d have asked me 10 years ago if I’d have the career beyond what I dreamed of, a family whom I love but the distance is tough, and I’d be doing it alone (relationship wise), my friends are cool and we get dinner when we can, but not everybody loves me, I don’t know how I’d respond. Would I have traded it? Or just simply said, “Nah, that’s not me, I know I’ll have it all.” Because honestly, I’ve always been the kind of person that worked my tail off for what I wanted and tried to do all the things. I’m not bragging, I had help (a lot of help), but that’s just my nature. I thought by just working at it, I’d get all those good things. So to tell me I’d have parts, but not all? To tell me I’d fail at anything? Good joke, fam.

But alas, here I am, 29-years-old sitting on my porch at my lovely house and place I built thanks to that career. So, so much to be thankful for, but still feeling lacking. Why is that? How can you be so thankful and yet feel so empty-handed all at once?

The more people I talk to, especially friends in their 20s and 30s, the more I realize this is a pretty common feeling. We make our list of things to be thankful for, and it’s long and full, but is it ever enough, or is it just things?

Let’s examine this feeling by talking about the career side and the most basic question: As a competitor, when have you won enough to be satisfied? I’ve met people, in my sport and others, that truly feel accomplished before they hang it up. I applaud them for that, and I wonder if that feeling will come for me one day, but I can tell you that right now, it’s nowhere close. For me, there’s always the next thing to win, goal to accomplish, barn to clean, or horse to get on and make better. There’s always skill to improve, places I haven’t been, or even those I’ve been to 10 times and won, but I’d sure like to win them again. But back to those who hang it up — the one thing I’ve noticed they all have in common, when they’re truly content to stop competing, is they’ve shifted their focus to something else that takes precedence. Something that now, at a different stage in their life, feels more important or more meaningful than competing does. That might be family, being there for their kids’ events, a business venture they always dreamed of, or even retirement and buying a boat. Whatever it is, no one seems to just stop. Their life stays full, just differently. So for most, maybe there wasn’t actually a certain trophy, or an amount of them to win that makes them feel satisfied, but simply a stage of life or change of perspective that makes them desire something else more. The quest for what they want next keeps on questing.

And how about those in a stage where they’re not satisfied or not where their written down high school 5-10 year goals told them they’d be — they don’t have the career they want even though they’ve busted their butts to climb the ladder. They’ve done things the right way, they didn’t lie or cheat their way to the top, just humble hustled for years now, and it hasn’t paid off. They’ve watched people pass them that (I know, God loves them too, but) frankly did lie or cheat their way to the top, and they beat everybody there. And at home, things are great; they married their high school sweetheart, the kids are healthy and beautiful and the oldest one is even athletic, the picket fence crispy white, and the garden gives them so many vegetables, they survived covid like it wasn’t a thing. But, their dad is sick, and it’s not getting better. They’ve read about it happening to other people, but now it’s happening inside their family, and it doesn’t add up. They have so much to be thankful for, but they still don’t have all they want. And they, too, thought by working and praying and living right, they’d get it.

What about you? What keeps you up, making you feel empty handed? What is the thing that isn’t yours that you thought you would have, and how does it make you feel to keep on going without? Are you patiently waiting on God to deliver all the things, reasoning with him that it’s really not that much to ask for, but you don’t see any movement up there?

Wherever you’re at, I want to save you some time and let you in on a little secret:

1. Earthly things will never lead to true fulfillment.

Meaning? That thing you don’t have yet but you want the most, or you’re working towards, or you’re so close you can taste it; once it’s in your hands, you will not feel completely satisfied or whole. All won’t be right in the world. You’ll still be lacking something, and you won’t feel that feeling you’re craving: “Yes, I’ve finally arrived.”

Total buzz kill, right? Kinda is, yeah, but hang with me for a second, and let me tell you why that’s actually a good thing.

First, if you’re like me and you believe what the Bible says to be true, we know that these earthly things, good as they may feel, don’t last:

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
Matthew 6:19-21

So if I rely on these things that don’t have a chance to make it out of this world alive to be my source of joy, I set myself up for disappointment. But what if I could find something that does last, that is completely satisfying and worthy of my pursuit?

2. The fulfillment you want is possible, just not through that list of accomplishments or possessions.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, and what is unseen is eternal,” (2 Corinthians 4:18)

What if what I search for, pray for, and work towards not only lasts longer than those earthly things (eternally), but also holds greater meaning? What if the unseen is the reason behind all the good things I do have, and the keeper of my heart through the hard things, and the times I feel lacking?

Because there is an unchanging, never-fading God, then it is possible for me to have a joy level as consistent as He is. If I believe that God created me in his image, and that every good and perfect gift is from him, and that He can work all things together (even the bad things that are not from him) for my good, then I believe that he can use me to do good things even if I am feeling incomplete, with or without all the things that fade away. And I believe that in my incompleteness, He is teaching me the art of contentment:

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty of in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.”
Phil 4:11-13

If Jesus is the source of our strength, then the fact that you can consistently experience contentment regardless of your circumstances is a reflection of God’s glory at work in us. It’s a way to glorify God. Can I be honest… is it always my favorite ? No, but the world I live in is unfair and uneven, so I am can be joyful in the fact that it isn’t all for nothing.

3. I am guaranteed to experience hardship, but the purpose that is at work in spite of it is good:

“I have told you these things so that you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, because I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

And if I am to experience hardship, inconsistencies, and therefore feel lacking in any way, can I choose to see that as an opportunity to glorify God, whose strength I possess due to the grace shown me by His Son? Yes, yes I can. In fact, I’ve prayed for ways to glorify God. I’ve asked him to use me to share His message of salvation and grace to all who can hear. And what’s crazy is, in His way of working things together for good, He’s made it possible for me to do that through the imperfections I experience in this world daily. Those feelings of incompleteness that, if focused on having all the things, I feel, but if seeking Him as my source of joy, I don’t.

If I think of the “holes” in my life, my story, and where I’m at today, as windows of his glory and grace shining through, I’m thankful that I am part of a good thing, through my hard things. My inadequacy highlights his fullness and ability. That is an effort I can get behind — an effort to be content in my circumstances because of the goodness of God that never changes.

So I will keep trying, and keep working for the things God wants to bless me with while I’m here, keeping my heart’s greatest desire fixed on the Giver of those things.

I will find joy in who God is, in His character and kindness towards me, and in His fullness that becomes clearer when paired with my insufficiencies.

And I will be content with where God has be right now, and what He has in front of me. I will keep trusting that His plan for me is good — even better than my list of all the things.