Part 2: The Lies I’ve Believed About Myself

You’ll be a disappointment if they really know you

The funny thing nobody really told me to expect about being “well-known” is how many people know something about you before you meet them.  A lot of people I meet, at least in our little western or horse world, already know my name, and therefore already know, or think they know, something key about me.

“Oh yeah, I’ve heard of you,”

“You’re that barrel racer,”

Or, ”You ride Sister” are some of the most common responses I get to, “Hi, I’m Hailey.”

Usually, the things they know or say upon greeting are good (or at least, not too bad), and sometimes they are even true.  What you wonder (especially if you’re a woman, and you think too much) is what else they know, what else they have heard, or what else they already believe to be true about you that they don’t even really know if it’s a fact.  The scariest?  The fact that you are meeting people who have already formed opinions about you, before actually knowing you.

Best illustration I can give is like a movie scene or a country song.  Girl walks into a bar, and she can generally expect either one of two things: to be noticed, or unnoticed.  If noticed, she can expect the guy who notices her to immediately think either she’s pretty, or she’s not.  If they think pretty, they may choose to ask around about her, or if they’re brave, go up and ask her name, buy her a drink, ask her to dance, etc.  The flip side to that is, they don’t think she’s attractive, so they look away.  Seems simple and organic — although we all know it doesn’t work this seamlessly in real life, we can pretend.

But let’s add a third element to the initial being-noticed part.  They notice you and think, “I know who that is.  No, I don’t know her, but I know who she is.  She’s this, that, or the other.”  They already know more about you than you know about them.  They already believe something to be true about you, something they have heard or maybe read, before you have had a conversation or an actual first impression.  And then, when it comes to what they do about it, it’s either come up and talk to you because of something they believe to be true about you, with that preconceived notion as the motivation.  Or, if they don’t like what they heard, it’s just, stare… maybe talk to their buddies about you, stand back, and stare.  Oh yeah, that movie scene just turned awkward.  Truthfully, I have not decided for myself which is worse (all my fellow introverts, stand up).

That in a nutshell is what it is like to be “known” before you are known.  Sure, it’s weird, but not the worst thing ever.  There are a whole lot of worse things in the world.

But what’s hard about it is when you start to sense a pattern.  Say, you’re used to being not noticed.  Or, you’re used to them noticing you, but for something you don’t like about your appearance.  Maybe you are known for a terrible rumor, or family drama.  Maybe its something that happened in your past you have time and time again made peace with and buried, but the looks people give you keep digging it back up… whatever the pattern is, it can lead to a fear of being noticed at all.

*Vulnerability alert* — Let’s take it a step further to one I personally deal with.  You are known for something you have done or said that somebody didn’t like. Maybe even misunderstood, but that doesn’t matter because they already have an opinion formed.  They know all they need or want to know about you.  No chances given.

Flip that around, and it’s just as hard:  You are known for something you have done or said, and you are starting at a 10 or close to it.  They want to get to know you because of the things they’ve heard about you.  That’s supposed to be a good thing, right?  But what happens if they get to know you, and figure out you’re not actually their cup of tea?  What happens when, to someone else, you’re a disappointment, again… because it’s a pattern that’s happened before.  It’s a pattern that turns into belief.  You can’t let people get to know you, because what if they don’t like you beyond what they think they know?  It’s just safer to keep them at a distance.  You wish you went back to just being unnoticed.

We all notice patterns about the way people perceive us, whether positive or negative.  What happens when these perceived patterns become beliefs?  They start to manifest in your mind because you are used to seeing them, or worse, because you choose to see them… whether out of a desire to be liked, or out fear and self preservation, you actually look for them.  I hear ya when you say you are used to feeling this way because people made you feel this way.  However, isn’t it true that you still have complete control over whether or not you accept that feeling to your core and allow it to become a belief?

I know what you’re thinking next — you have no idea how many people are thinking good things about you!  You just need to accept those things as the real patterns.  Don’t think about the negative things, just focus on the positives… girl power, etc.

Well, False.

Let me tell you what I’ve learned about that.  If you focus (definition: to center your interest or activity) on finding and believing those positive boosts, even in an effort to leave behind the negative ones, sooner or later, you will find yourself needing those positive, external boosts to feel validated.  Sure, a little pick-me-up from a look, a like, a compliment or a flirt may never hurt nobody, until it becomes the pattern you crave in order to exist in a state of happiness.  When validation from people becomes a focal point, it can quickly turn into a lifeline.  A lifeline that, though it started out just another positive, soon became a crutch you lean on for support.  You find yourself sad or lonely if you go too long without it.  You seek it out through friends, family, or on social media.  And if you want to talk about strength and power, what is more weak than needing someone else’s opinion of you to make you feel whole?

I don’t think you can just exist without believing something about yourself.  You can’t just say, “I don’t accept the way their looks or words make me feel.”  Even if that’s what you say out loud, you do so by replacing their looks and words with something else to create the feeling you want.  And unfortunately, it can’t just be the good looks and words, or you’ll feel empty without them.

So what is an adequate replacement?  In my opinion, there’s only One that can truly satisfy, and fulfill the need your human heart has for that feeling of being noticed; being known.  The One who is both God and man.  He is Jesus, and the replacement is letting Him tell you that you are worthy.  That you are to die for.  Believing you are not a let-down, because He already knows you in and out; not just what He’s heard, seen, or perceived, but every true and factual detail about you.  I recently listened to a podcast episode that said, if you read through the Bible looking to learn about God, the biggest pattern you will notice is that God is focused on you.  His design is to love you, and have a relationship with you.  He knew when He created you that you would have these needs, and He made sure He was capable to fulfill them with Himself, so that you were never lacking.  One thing I love about God is that He never intended for us to be left hanging.  That said, we might tend to feel that way when we’re focused on other things to bring us the validation that He has already freely given us, by His sovereign design.

It can be hard to simplify this idea to ourselves sometimes, and can lead to confusion on what to believe, and how to accept it as truth.  How can I combat lies if I’m confused on what is the truth?  Here’s a two-step process I use to help decipher what is true:

1. Start by reminding yourself of who God is.  If I believe in who the Bible says God is — His sovereignty and character, and I believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made as His word says, I have nothing to fear.  To name a few things, God is:

1. Holy — “For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.’”  Isaiah 57:15
2. Just — “The Rock, His work is perfect, for all His ways are justice. A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is He.”  Deuteronomy 32:4
3. Good — “The Lord is good to all, and His mercy is over all that He has made.”  Psalm 145:9
4. Love —  “So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him… We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:16, 19

And if He is love, then He is also patient and kind (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

To be all these things and more, He must be big — bigger than “it” —  I don’t even need to know what “it” is you are facing to know that our God is bigger than it, if I believe His word and have faith that through Him, all things really are possible (Phillippians 4:13).

2. Next, now that we remember who our God is, remember that you are “known” by God:

“You have searched me, Lord,
        and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
        you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
        you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
        you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
        and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
        too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
        Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
        if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
        if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
        your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
        and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
        the night will shine like the day,
        for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
        you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
        your works are wonderful,
        I know that full well.”
Psalm 139:1-14

I am known and loved deeply by this holy God.  I was made with purpose and intention by this same good God.  I am guided and watched over by this just God.  The God I know, who is love, teaches me how to love others, and how to love myself.  He knows me, and He makes no mistakes.  He’s not a nervous parent sending their kid off to school wondering what they will say or how they will do, because He already knows.  He doesn’t fear what other people will think of me.  He knew me and loved me before anyone else had a chance to; before I was even aware I could be known!

Does He call me higher?  Above my flesh and desires I learned from this world, absolutely.  He gives me the opportunity of renewal of my heart daily, through His grace and mercy.  But it’s not because I am not “good enough” to Him the way that He made me.  It’s because my maker is the author and perfecter of my faith, which can only be strengthened by becoming more like Him.  I was made to know and love Him, and to be known and be loved by Him.

There is no disappointment to the one who made you the way that you are.  He is who I want to please, and He has loved me, He does love me, and He will continue to love me.

That pattern is the one I will accept as truth and believe.  That will be my focus.

What will yours be?