Part 3: The Lies I’ve Believed About Myself

My Fears Will Keep Me Safe

There have been so many times, in so many different categories of my life, where I have let my fears be louder than my faith.  Even worse, I have let those fears convince me that they are actually doing me a favor.  I have hidden behind paper thin walls of fear that seemed to be protecting me from failure, repeat losses, or disappointment.

But that’s all they were.  Paper walls.  A little wind, rain, a rock, or a pair of scissors, and they crumple into nothing.  My perceived “protection” was gone, and then I’m left to face whatever I was hiding from, but without time to prepare.  And the saddest part is that usually, what’s in front of me when the paper walls come down isn’t something that’s going to get me, or even as small as ruin my day.  It’s something good.  Some kind of blessing that I had hid myself from, because I was too scared to allow it to get close to me.  Fear is a powerful emotion in me that, if left unchecked, can keep me from so much good.  A desire to stay safe has left me only feeling sorry.

Not anymore.  Let’s call it out.

Fear is natural.  It’s instinctive.  It’s sometimes helpful.  It can be protective.  It’s even biblical.  What?

Bet you didn’t think I’d lead with that.  Follow me here:

Fear is mentioned often in the Bible, and not always as a bad thing.  We’ve all heard of the many, many verses that say in some way, shape or form, “Do not fear.”  Some places even say the Bible says that 365 times.  I’m pretty sure that’s not entirely true, but the point is, there are several instances where the instruction to not be afraid is repeated.  You know what the Bible also says about the word fear?

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow in his precepts have good understanding.” Psalm 111:10

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,” Proverbs 1:7 (some would say this is the cornerstone theme of the book of Proverbs — if you want knowledge, you must first fear God)

“In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge.” Proverbs 14:26

“Fear” in these verses is defined as reverence, worship, or respect.  It is a prerequisite for gaining wisdom, and a deeper understanding of God Himself.  Fear Him is respecting His sovereignty.  Revering Him as the creator and author of all things is a form of worship.  This fear is healthy.  Without reverence of God, we wouldn’t be so inclined to go to Him and His word for wisdom and understanding.  We believe in His power and strength, so we respect His holiness.

Aside from fearing God in the form of reverence and respect, did you know that God made you with an innate sense of awareness?  “Fear” in the form of awareness is a survival technique to help us stay safe.  It is meant to be employed by you in your life, and remain under control.  I recently did a bible study with some friends about God-given emotions, and fear was one of them.  Look at Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane (see Matthew 26).  This is the night He was taken into custody, and eventually would be crucified, and raised to life again to save us all from the captivity of sin and death.  You know how that story goes, and you trust the ending because you know it leads to good.  But if you put yourself in the moment with Jesus before it happens, you can resonate with the real human emotions he was feeling at the time.  He models for us exactly how we, as humans, may feel fear, and makes clear that it is a very real thing.  But, simultaneously, He also models how, as God, that the ultimate plan of salvation is in His hands and would remain His choice to follow through with, in order to defeat death and achieve the redemption of all humanity.  As Jesus is both God and man, He shows us both.

Fear as a defense mechanism can be helpful in the world we live in.  Unfortunately, it’s not all sunshine and roses in this world because of sin that entered the story so long ago, so it’s important to listen to your God-given instincts to help keep you safe.  It’s also important to note that you can respect the emotion, and thank God for the instinct, without letting it take over your thoughts and actions.  Like Jesus did.  He felt, but didn’t change the course He knew to follow.  What happens when we take that awareness kind of fear a little too far, and let it dominate our decisions, relationships, and opportunities?  What does that look like when we let that fear keep us not only from doing something reckless, but from doing something good?

Let’s talk about what fear means in the context of all the other times the Bible says “Do not fear,” because I won’t for a second say that the Bible contradicts itself.  It does not.  However, in many of your favorite frequently-quoted “Do not fear” verses, the context is clear about how fear as a limiting, crippling emotion can take the place of trust in God.  Example: Deuteronomy 31:6.  The verse itself says, “Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  This came at the end of a speech Moses was giving to the Hebrew people he had been leading up to that point, and before and after verse 6, he gave instructions that had come from God on what to do and how to do it.  And it was intense.  Go read the story for yourself if you’re interested, but in short, just know that the instruction “Do not fear” was necessary considering what he had just told them that God was going to help them do.  Their natural, human awareness was definitely going to tell them this was scary.  But Moses knew that fear could not be allowed to get in the way of what God was about to do for His people.  God wanted their obedience, even if it was scary.  He wanted them to follow the plan, and trust Him with the results.  He wanted them to step out in faith.

Think about your most recent fear — where it came from, and what it caused, and how you responded. 

Mine was the fear of stepping on a snake, which falls more into that category two of instinctive fear.  I was riding in the pasture and walked right past a baby rattlesnake.  It was very small, and laid out flat (not coiled as they usually are when defensive), and didn’t seem to see me until I was past it.  I know exactly what those look like, no matter the age or stage of life, distance from me, or camouflage, because I’m from South Texas.  There are more of those there than whitetail deer, and that’s a lot.  The rest of the evening, as I was feeding, you can imagine how my awareness had risen, and how I approached walking through the same grass I do every day quite differently than most days.  I was on edge.  If you’ve ever seen a snake, you know the tricks your eyes and mind will play on you after that—EVERYTHING looks like a snake.  A stick, a rock, a shadow, it all becomes a possible snake.  Did that stop me from feeding?  No, I still had a job to do.  I just may have done it a little quicker, with some lighter steps and keener eyes than usual.  I did it with a heightened sense of awareness, paying closer attention to a potential threat than I normally would have.

I definitely don’t think of that kind of fear as a bad thing.  It’s helpful for me, with an outdoor, animal-filled lifestyle, to be occasionally reminded that there are things that could physically hurt me.  Walk a little further around the back of the horses I trust so much.  Get off my phone when riding a colt.  Feed in the daylight when I can, watch for snakes, and keep a shovel handy, just in case.  Just a few basic things that a healthy awareness kind of fear of the worst-case scenario outcomes are helpful to have in the back of your mind.  As long as I don’t let it grip me, and change what I am going to do.  Be smart, but don’t be fearful to the point that you limit your responsibility or skill.

Here’s my most recent fear that aligns with the third category of a limiting fear.  This is the kind I would be embarrassed to tell an almighty God about (spoiler: He knows, but we’ll get to that).  It came up on a normal day when I met a friend of mine for dinner.  I got to the restaurant first, just a little ahead of her, and saw a line outside the door.  There was a wait.  Probably not a super long one, this place is pretty fast, but I was going to need to go inside and put our names down to get a table.  Simple, right?

Enter: my occasional battle with social anxiety

Yes, another weird and vulnerable truth about me.  Yes, sometimes crowds of people, even people I know, freak me out.  I don’t know why, but I have experienced crippling fear in both small and large crowds.  No, I don’t have any edgy childhood stories that caused this reoccurring fear.   Other than being a bit of an introvert.

I called my friend and asked her to put our names down when she arrived, so I could wait in my car for her to come back out.  We sat there and talked until we got the call that our table was ready.  You’re welcome for my embarrassing story of the day.  I hope whoever reads this realizes I am, in fact, quite human.

Sure, getting a table might not be that big of a deal to you, and you might say it’s probably not consequential to the rest of my life—also probably true.  But what if it was?  What if there was someone I was supposed to see in there that I could encourage and be helpful to?  What if I missed an opportunity for a divine appointment, which I do believe are real ways that God lines up the lives of those who trust Him to lead them, and uses those opportunities to bless His kids, but I was too scared to walk through a crowd of people to be part of it?

This one particular fear I cited isn’t the only one I struggle with, but it also isn’t because God hasn’t done amazing work in me to help me through it.  I have come so far, thanks to His guidance and my identity in who He is and His strength becoming my source of confidence.  Praise God for delivering me from it time and time again, but let’s be real: I don’t always choose to accept His strength, because it’s often easier to live inside my bubble-wrapped world than to operate in faith.  I’m not proud to state that sometimes I choose to stay fearful instead of choosing a free gift of deliverance from fear!  Why on earth would I do that?  I believe in and worship and work to serve a God who I know is bigger than my biggest fears.  Yet, sometimes, I start to see my fears as a safer stronghold to hide behind than resting in the safety of God himself.

To see the contrast between the definitions of the fear of God and a limiting, controlling fear, we read Psalm 23:4:

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” I can be aware of my circumstances when they are not great, and I can be honest with God that they are scary, but I am choosing to not fear them, because I trust in Him, and I feel His presence.  Frankly, I “fear” (as in, revere) God more than I fear my circumstances.  As a human, made in His image, I can feel both, but choose to trust in a holy God over a scary circumstance.

What is a fear you have been giving more respect to that God?  What fear are you choosing to live in?  Which one is easier for you to stay in because the alternative is trusting God more?  Which one keeps you up at night, but also keeps you from experiencing blessings?  Which one actually feels safer to stay living small inside the walls of, instead of letting the light in?

I don’t know what your biggest struggle is, or what shell that struggle causes you to sink back into, but I want you to crack the roof and shed some light on it.  Maybe it’s a small one like the one I mentioned, or maybe it’s a little bigger, like a relationship you stay in even though you know it’s not God’s best for you, but you don’t want to give it up because what if you can’t find another; in rodeo, or another competitive sport, where your fear of messing up starts to outshine your burning desire to win, so you lower your expectations or lead with negativity to make it easier on you, should you lose; a pivotal conversation you need to have with your kid, but your friend’s kid rebelled when they acted more like a parent than a buddy, so you feel better to just stay buddies; a dream job you want so badly to apply for, but it will take you away from the swaddling wrap of your current comfort zone; the chance to love again—a horse, a good dog, a child, a romantic partner, a parent—but the sting of what happened last time keeps you from not only the potential of a repeat loss, but also the blessings that could come.

In the words of D.L. Moody, brought back to mind for me by one of my favorite IG accounts to follow, @wifeofacowboy:

”Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that doesn’t really matter.”

Friends, settling for less than God’s best doesn’t really matter.  Competing with a one-foot-in, one-foot-out kind of commitment to excellence doesn’t really matter.  Hiding from your responsibilities because they’re scary or hard doesn’t really matter.  Living beneath His potential for you because growth may change things doesn’t really matter. Limiting yourself to a false sense of safety and therefore missing out on the potential for the greatest emotion given to us (and modeled by God himself), Love, doesn’t really matter. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Now, we can’t just identify our fears and leave it at that.  We need a solution, and we need to get to work on it.  You know I mentioned trust in God as the way out of a limiting fear, but wait, there’s more!  That more is choosing to experience hope through a commitment to trust in the Father.

Hope is the enemy of fear.  They can’t exist in the same place.  Especially in the heart and mind of one determined to live their daily life trusting in a holy God to provide.  Hope and trust go hand in hand.

Psalm 130:5 says, “I wait for the Lord; my soul waits, and in His word I hope.”  Waiting in hopeful expectation for God to do something means me living like He’s going to do it.  Waiting in hopeful expectation for Him to bring peace to my world looks like me living in peace with others as He calls me to.  Waiting in hopeful expectation for God to take care of me means living without fear that He won’t, as He calls me to.

Matthew 10:29-31 says, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  And yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside of your Father’s care.  And even the very hairs on your head are numbered and known to Him.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”  I can choose to trust that, like the sparrows, I will be taken care of.  And if I trust in that truth, I can hope for good to come from God’s ultimate plan for me.  I can tear down my paper walls of fear on my own, letting the rays of hope in.  It doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes some work, but it sure sounds like a much better way to live.  Will you try it with me?

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen.”
– Hebrews 11:1