Thank You, 2024

See that girl on the left?  She was 23 in that picture.  You can almost tell looking at her face that she had no idea what was coming next.  That right there is me, at the first back number ceremony I attended for my first NFR qualification.

Now see the one on the right?  Yep, same girl.  Now she is 30, and she has lived a whole lot of life in that timespan.  My goodness, the places she has seen, the barrel runs she has made and the people she has met!

It is so funny to me looking back at that first picture and thinking about the way that girl probably envisioned her life going, and all the things that would happen after that, which she never in a million years would have dreamed were in store for her—both good and bad.  Swipe back to the slightly more grown up version, and wow, she has survived a lot—again, good and bad.  The bad, not enough to kill her off, obviously (this little post is proof I am still kicking); and the good, so extremely good, and even hard, but worth it.

In looking at these two pictures, I think the girl on the left would be pretty proud of the one on the right.  I think she would be amazed at the doors she walked through, the ones slammed in her face, and the ones she kicked down.  She would be pleasantly surprised that those shoes have held up this long for their once-a-year appearance at the back number ceremony, and a little thankful that they did not make her stand next to the tallest girl in the room every time (love ya, Taci).  Heck, she would even be impressed with the improvement in photo quality!

Seeing these pictures and putting them side by side not only let me reflect on the several years in between, but on this last year, specifically.

It is the end of December, and you know what that means.  Everyone is talking about what they are going to do next year.  “Next year” being like, tomorrow, that is.  Some of us loved this last year and are sad to see it end, but are excited for new things.  Some of us are busy writing new goals and resolutions down as fast as our hands can scribble, and are probably already doing the work to get a head-start on them now.  Some of us are just glad we made it this far, and not even sure how.

But before next year makes it to us, I think it is helpful and healthy to reflect a bit on this last year.  Oh sure, tune me out now, as you are also probably sick of hearing that “reflect” word.  It is not always fun.  It reminds you of things that did not go according to plan, people you lost, and places you came up short, to name a few of the not-so-warm and fuzzy memories.  But, if you are brave (and I think you are), I believe if we can take a tough minute to think back through those things and ask ourselves about them, it could entirely change the trajectory of what your new year hopes and dreams, or plans and goals, can look like.

Still with me?  Let’s have some fun.

Are you proud of yourself for this year?
If yes, why?
If no, why not?

Seriously, take a second.  You might find it helpful to write down your answer, and your reasons.

If you are at all like me, your immediate answer might be Yes/No.  Proud of myself for some things, but not all of them.  Did I accomplish all of my goals?  No.  Did I give an effort that could have, if those goals were mine to attain?  Yes, mostly, I am pretty sure, yep.  It is hard to remember it all, but I know I had some great days with champion-style effort, and other days, maybe not so much.  Does that mean I did not deserve what I did accomplish?  Also no, because I am human and I have to give myself a little grace on that front.  And for the incredible efforts and full-fledged commitment I put forth, did I get robbed?  Still no, because (for lack of a better way to put it) life ain’t fair, so I cannot in my right mind expect direct effort to lead to a certain direct result every time.

To level with you, here are a few goals I had this year that I accomplished:

Making the National Finals Rodeo
Getting my horse, Sister, over the 3 million dollar mark in career earnings
Putting on my first youth barrel race
Doing a better job of prioritizing my physical and mental health

Now, here are a few I did not:

Winning the world championship
Seeing my family more often than last year
Getting better at the guitar (I am the same level of not very good)

Overall, not bad, but room to improve.  Would you call that a successful year?  Should I be proud of that?

Oh good, I was hoping to find a way to address this one…  

It actually does not matter what you think.

Ha!  Sounds harsh, but I promise I am kidding, sort of.  You need to hear this from me so you can say it back to yourself when these thoughts arise.  It does not matter what other people think.  It does not matter if other people are proud of me.  Especially people I do not know that are outside of my trusted group of family and friends (those opinions I do care about, though I do not completely judge myself on those, either).

Back to the rest.  Is it cool if they are?  Yeah, absolutely.  But should I, under any circumstances, let that affect my own view of whether or not I am proud of myself? 

A big, loud, heavy “No” from me.

Let me give you a short, comical illustration of why I cannot let others’ opinions dictate my own view of my performance.

A few weeks ago, I was at that National Finals Rodeo.  The top 15 contestants in our world standings get to compete every night for 10 days in a row, and during the daytime, we sign autographs for the rodeo fans, take care of our horses and families, and try to remember to eat and drink water.  It is a huge accomplishment to be a contestant there, and an overall experience to be so grateful for.  Simultaneously, it is the most exhausting 10 days of your life.  I really do my best to be as committed to my horses’ needs as always, mentally present and excited to meet everyone during the day, while conserving my energy the best I can to compete at the most important rodeo of the year each night (my family are easy keepers — thank you, love y’all).  This year, a woman I apparently met at a signing took to social media to degrade me for not talking to her kid long enough at that signing.  She had stood in line a long time, and was disappointed upon meeting me at what I had to offer.  I am not totally sure what day this was, but I have a feeling it was the day I had a sore throat and was not much for talking, but who knows—the days kind of run together out there.  Either way, I was hurt to read that I had disappointed this person.  I never want to be uninteresting or unpleasant.  However, if it is the day I am thinking of, another kid I met told me it was the best day of her life!  That one made me feel so good.  And another, a young boy with an unimpressed look on his face, told me after I asked if he wanted a signed picture, “No, my mom just made me stand in this line.  I don’t even like barrel racing.”  I honestly laughed out loud, and we agreed I should sign the card to his mom’s name, instead.

So you see, in just an hour’s time, I managed to disappoint at least one person, give a wonderful memory to another, and be indifferent to a third!  Was I proud of my effort that day?  Well, if I look at it from their perspectives individually, I get three different answers; and if I mix them, I am confused.  But, if I look from mine, which is the only one of those that knows what all went into that day, how I showed up and gave the best I had to give, even if my best was not great, the answer is a resounding “Yes.”  From my perspective, I am proud of me.

(For more on this, check out Part 2 of my first blog series, The Lies I’ve Believed About Myself, on this site.)

So back to my example of some of my own goals.  Am I proud of myself this past year?  Collectively, yes.  With the help of family, friends, and a few incredible horses, I accomplished so much!  Both competitive and personal goals were checked off this year, inspiring me to shoot for bigger and better things next year.  Did all of it lead to completing one of my biggest competitive goals?  No.  And that was a little disappointing.  But for me, that does not make this year anywhere close to a failure; that makes it full of big success, a few failures, and a couple “well, almost” moments.  Sure, I would trade those “well, almost” moments for crushing all the goals in a heartbeat, but thinking about that does not really get me much further ahead, does it?  Furthermore, if I choose to view my goals like a staircase, rather than a finish line, just think how much closer I am to doing the dang thing next time around?

Are there places I can improve?  Yes!  One of many places is my time management.  That is something that will help me in the next year to ease my stress and better show up for the people and the things I care about, without getting tired, overwhelmed, or behind in another area.  Does having areas to improve mean I am just not there yet?  Also, yes!  And that is OK.  Because the reality is, I am probably not going to get “there” this side of Heaven, but hey, remember the staircase?  I am closer.  I can feel it.

Now, if you have read any of my other blog posts, you know I probably cannot leave this one without talking about the thing that matters most to me.  This next one is a question you may not know you have asked yourself outright until now, but I bet you have thought about it in some way.

Would God be proud of me for this past year?

That is a loaded question—I know.  It reminds me of when people talk about Judgement Day, that day at the end of our lives where we will stand before Jesus and hear our lives, our every twist and turn, recounted to us.  I have pictured myself there, both embarrassed and loved, all at once.  I am standing before a God who I handed every reason He ever needed to just be done with me so many times in my life, and yet, He says to me, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”  What a wild concept, right?

(For more on this, check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrBa-WtvthQ)

But for now, jump back into 2024 with me.

Would the God I serve be proud of what I accomplished this year? For my efforts to do what I believe He called me to do, or maybe for the posture of my heart in doing it?

In my human mind and the way that we folks think down here, I would respond something like: Some days, I think yes.  I genuinely believe on the days that I trusted Him, I relied on Him instead of myself, and I loved the people He put in front of me, yes.  Other days… He might be like, “Dang girl.  I have done all this for you, I have taken care of you and come through every time, proved Myself faithful to love you over and over again, and you still doubt me, question me, and take matters into your own tiny, fretful, incapable hands. Why?”

This might be new information to you, so I want to slow down for a moment to say this next part: I am so thankful God does not think like we do. (See Isaiah 55:8-9)

You see, God knows a whole lot more than we do.  He does not allow us to see the full picture, because He knows that we, in our flesh, could not handle that much information (if I thought I was overwhelmed before, I would be REALLY overwhelmed then).  If we can only see a small part of His reality, then we, as a result, have to trust Him with the rest.  That need to trust is the root of our relationship with the God of the universe.  Since we are not capable of understanding it all, we trust that He has it handled. 

And part of Him handling it all is where the John 3:16 deal comes from.  He sent us His only son.  He knew we would not be able to muster up “good enough” on our own.  He saw us try hard to be obedient, and to love Him and each other, and saw us fail again and again, and instead of just being over it all (which in my human mind, I would not have blamed Him for), He invented Grace.  That’s where Jesus comes in.  A savior, the little baby in a manger savior we just got done celebrating over Christmas, was a loving God’s solution for all of our not quite good enough efforts.  Jesus coming down is God’s grace extended to us.

Grace gives God a window to be proud of me.  Through grace, God can acknowledge my failures and still bring Himself to say: “I see all you did, and all you did not do.  I see all your good intentions, and all your not so good feelings towards my other kids.  And the good news is, my grace is sufficient for you.  It is enough to cover you, and all of your good, all of your bad, and all of your ‘well, almost’ moments.  My power is made perfect in your weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)  Because my grace allows Me to be, I am proud of you.”

Now, after hearing that, are you proud of yourself?  Now that the God who has every ounce of knowledge of every detail of your last year can, and knows even more about it and you than you are able to, and still looks at you and says, “I love you and I am proud of you…” 

Now, can you do that for yourself?

I want to encourage you today to see yourself the way God sees you.  I want to inspire you, that as you look back on this year as it ends, to be proud of yourself.  Because of all you did?  Or, because of how hard you tried?  Sure, that too, but more than that.  Be proud of yourself because He is proud of you.  That is the lense I am really choosing today.  That is the one that will help me the most to build a goal, a plan, a hope, and a dream for next year.

So of course, being that it is the end of December, I cannot end this without saying to you, Happy New Year!  I wish you all the success this world has to offer.  More importantly, I wish for the fire of your heart to be stirred to get to know the God who loves you more than you could ever comprehend, and that you use every resource you can find to help you model your plans after His heart.  May your goals be high, your hopes be higher, and your prayers bigger and more full of faith than ever before.

But before that, I must say “Thank You” to last year!  For where I succeeded, where I failed, where I learned, loved, and grew — all of it has prepared me for this new year that is almost here.  Bye bye, 2024.